GM filed for bankruptcy, all the dealerships closed, and it's june and I'm in jeans and a sweatshirt and I'm cold. What is the point of living in this state anymore?
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
I just saw a pair of panties stretched over a fire hydrant on campus... I need to get the fuck out of this town
Met some locals. They are taking me to a place where there is topless bullriding. I love this country.
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
Was rudely woken up by strangers at 4:15am. I was leaning against the stoplight at 9th
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
please tell me we weren't that bad as freshmen
i can't, we're worse now
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
FINE YOU CAN EAT HOT WINGS WHILE WE HAVE SEX
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
He drove over an hour to get this shit done. I guess i win the golden vagina award tonight
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