I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
after we had sex he told me his original plan was to have sex with my roommate but his buddy likes her so i was backup
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
also my alarm just went off. I am always amused at what time drunk me decides to wake up.
A place where it's acceptable to show body parts is not a good place for me to be.
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
I might need to come puke in your toliet on the way home
it was awkward when he was taking off my clothes and i had to help him undo my fanny pack
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
