How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
You drunkenly hook up with 5 people in one night and suddenly everyone tries to party with you.
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
Im shooting goldshlager and waxing my crotch
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
One of my nipples looks nothing like the other...i don't know how this happened
NO NINJA FIGHTING AT THE GAS STATION
Randomize
