kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking.
i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
The problem is he wears abercrombie jeans like there's nothing wrong with it
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
Going to get a "plan B"urrito
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
you said candy land and then passed out.
ps. we found your stash in the candyland game. Thanks.
I generally just try to vote by which candidate I think has the bigger dick. Sorry Romney.
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
I plan to get very, very drunk when I get off work.
But doesn't your shift end at like noon?
I don't think you understand.
You pretty much lost your mind. Your ego has gotten ten time the size of your balls.
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
Randomize
