Sorry I couldn't get my dick out
he came over wasted, used the bathroom, drank some water, and fell asleep holding my hand. what kind of a fuck buddy does that??
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
I go to a class slightly intoxicated and they bring in a baby. What a life.
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Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
He sent me a mirror pic of himself and sent it to me and all i could think about was the amazing bong hits i took with his roommate in that bathroom.
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
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How exactly does one go about seducing an older, possibly blind gentleman?
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
I AM NOT LOSING TO SOME FICTIONAL CROSSDRESSER
He says the sweetest things but also that he wants to choke me when we fuck so it's kinda perfect.
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
Well the cops were called after the kid fell, but we saw 4 cute guys from our window while it was going down, so it wasn't all that bad.
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