i'm touring the leper colony via mapquest street view so we dont have to go there
i was watching some porn this morning and i realized i am blessed with a truly beautiful vagina
oh btw spread eagle is not an appropriate phrase to use in a scientific presentation. learned that the hard way
just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
I accidentally just texted my dad asking if he wants to do shrooms with me. Do I leave the city now or...
This year my vagina is giving thanks that several of my cubs are coming home for the holiday
Randomize
