If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
i wish we had morning classes together so we can spike our coffee.
All he said was "Yeah, there's a lot of air down there. And penis."
Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
We'll both be dead in approximately 72-96 hours, with you bringing your liver out of retirement again, Favre.
Talking to a male stripper. About the LSAT. Only in Vegas.
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
Well he fell three stories from the balcony and still had the strength to fuck me for 2 hours.
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
If we're going to communicate going forward, you'll need to be versed in Gillian Anderson.
Randomize
