last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
Picking up third year law school girls is like MILF hunting for beginners
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
I seriously fake cumming more than i poop.
She helped me organize my comics and then blew me. This is the one.
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
The things i do for you...I put all those condoms on a bed, complete with girl, and you sleep in the bathroom
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
Come on down you're the next contestant on "lets go drinking!"
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
Do the right thing and go fuck yourself off a cliff
Blacked in cold and wet, with them areound me singing Aaaaall we are saaaaayiiiing is YOU PEED YOUR PANTS
I think it's important to not involve Bar Food in any near future decisions.
Randomize
