I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
we were hanging out in his room and he decided to play WoW.. so i took off all my clothes while he wasn't paying attention and laid on his bed and started playing with myself.
did he notice?
of course he didn't notice.. he was playing a fiesty level 1 fucker that wouldn't give up..
her sex was completely horrible but her weed was great. imma ask her out again
so apparently the car got towed with me passed out in the back seat.
Most sexually ambiguous night of my life. Kept switching from the NBA finals to the Tonys.
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
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