just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
is wine microwaveable?
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
ugh... fuck pirate breakfast. my head is like thirsty.
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
After passing out at the kitchen table, you woke up in my parents bed in between them. With no pants on.
I just made myself orgasm twice and Laura lee hit 4 million subscribers. It’s a good day everywhere
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
Randomize
