You just compared our sex life to a seven year old kid.
im at planned parenthood. the form wants to know what our usual form of contraception is?
anal.
she asked if she could keep her bee antennas on during her mugshot. i love halloween.
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
This guy randomly got in our taxi, and has now collapsed on the sofa anouncing that he's staying the night.
he has decreed that i can sleep with anyone who has the same name as him. line up all the toms
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
Oh you know..Chillin with your dad.
With a fannypack full of drugs.
They're fighting and it sounds intense. Cross your fingers for their demise
Toss in some raw meat and play heavy metal music. It will insight violence.
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Randomize
