i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
Drunk in my research methods class at 9:30 in the morning. We should do a quantitative analysis of my mimosa consumption.
I am both scared and jealous.
I just went to pick up my pigeon from your house. You should be getting a picture soon
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
Btw if you ever get emails that pretty much contain 'bwahhhhh jatkkvsweuo' it's safe to assume it's me.
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
I don'y know if I should feel accomplished or disgusted. I just ate a dozen cookies all to myself. I'm leaning more towards accomplished.
My life has hit a new low, I just licked MDMA of someone's bed.
I feel like you're the sexual bearcat I've always wanted to be.
But like, I don't remember getting hit with the door... I just come out from peeing and there was blood running down my face.
Randomize
