why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
Brutally Honest is my real middle name, Princess just sounds better.
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
If those antibiotics mean you can't drink, ya might as well pack your bags and re-enroll next fall, because sobriety this week would be social suicide.
Intramural soccer game tonight. Be ready for blood. I haven't sobered up since thursday
She just causally held my limp dick in her hand the entire movie. Her parents were cuddling on the couch too..that brave!
After I'd been making out with her for a good 15 minutes some guy yelled "grab this chicks beer she needs both hands!" And he was right I did need both: god bless jello wrestling.
Peeing out the car window on the way home was a nice touch. In December, in Michigan, at 3am. Never seen a girl do that before. Neither had the guy in the minivan next to us.
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
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