my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
Omg i either met the gayest dude ever or my next boyfriend
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
They thought I was the paid stripper pretty much, and a lady tried to set me up with her nephew and then wanted to get my number for lesbian daughter... A typical night for me
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
I feel like someone had their period in my eyes.
I'm sorry I got a little outta control last night.
I vaguely remember making out with his tattoo (?) and giving him an awesome massage and then I passed out on his floor. Shrug
He told me I was 100% better then porn then passed out nto the cake
If she wants experimental lesbian sex, i call dibs
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
So I have been told that I licked your eyebrows last night
I'm tired of you and your emotional constipation. WHY DO YOU CLOSE YOUR EYES WHEN WE MAKE LOVE!?
Imagine we only get one cock for the rest of your life. I’d pick his dick. That good!
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