she was wearing a cheetah print one-piece and i slept with her anyway. big mistake.
i just bought ciggarettes using my court citation as id. I've reached an all time low.
Learned a lot. Like boys with frosted tips still exist. And that they're sensitive to constructive criticism.
I just saw the pics of me from the costume party as Party Boy. I've effectively cock-blocked myself forever.
why are there post-it notes all around the apartment labeled where you guys had sex and in what position
we are learning about oedipus in english. fuck you for making this awkward for me
Blow job bear ended up in my bed last night. She didn't live up to her costume.
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
He told me he wanted a penis beard so that he could look at girls faces when they gave him blowjobs. i have to say, i kind of admire his creativity
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
Randomize
