it was a shit show
We all have our days. But yours might be on the internet.
I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
i don't mind that he's uncut. i like it! it's like a little sweater!
a cock doensn't need a sweater! especially a skin sweater! wtf.
That's like some buffalo bill hannibal lector shit.
I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
When he was fingering me, it felt/looked like he was digging around for pocket change.
After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
It's just a matter of time. The ball is in my court. Soon to be in her mouth.
I'm petty sure you said "hold on let me make my nipples hard, they look better"
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
Randomize
