I just woke up and i'm wearing a cape and it says sup slut on my ass
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
judging by the pasta sauce and dirty pans i spent my blackout being emeril
he said that he wanted to outsmoke the rain, I don't know what that means but I'm gonna go help him
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
Haha I had a heart to heart with a stripper so I would say it was a success?
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
My mom is dancing slutty on the bar I need more drinks to be ok with this
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
Are you high?
Randomize
