Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
We're trying to see who can drink the most and still be eligible to donate blood tomorrow.
no you're not allowed back
come on. everbeers was a great idea. you fucks had a great night
Night is still young. Puking guts out part of it just began
I get hit on by the prison guards every time i go to see him. Seriously.
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
DID YOU REALLY JUST GIVE ME A FIRST BASE SIGN
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
I think if I send him enough nudes, he will buy my plane ticket.
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
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