Odds of those being real?
One in who gives a fuck
i feel like arbor mist is too classy for that. you need a colt 45
Yeah you're right. The one time when arbor mist is too classy
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
One of the bamboo sticks broke and impaled him. I think he's drunk enough that it shouldn't hurt until tomorrow.
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
A man in a black on black escalade pulled up next to me, and told me he was sent to pick me up by you.
His name is Tyreece. He will take you to the weed emporium, population me.
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
Just did body shot off a midget. Pretty good start.
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
I was just dry heaving outside of the Chem building when a guided tour walked by. Welcome to the Maritimes kids...
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
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