There is a man walking 2 goats through the city.
Bonus: only one of them was on a leash.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
Just traded a samurai sword for some drugs. It's gonna be one random ass night
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
Now that we both have boys can we make up games that objectify them as sex toys?
Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
After round two, I told him he deserves an award. He bowed and did a princess wave WHILE his dick was still inside me.
There's lube and condom packets all over the street we missed something awesome.
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
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