just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
he kept looking at my chin until i asked why, then he just said he was making sure his balls didnt leave a mark.
Night out in new white coat = success. Offered free breast exams all night, two took me up on it, woke up with one. I love medical school!!!
You just kept taking about baking cornbread and doing your physics. Even drunk assed random you is a better student than me.
Kegger tonight. 10pm. $5 coverfor unlimited booze. Proceeds benefit nuns from Uganda. Bring friends. No shit.
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
I'm in the room..It's full of lost souls and sadness. I can taste the salt of their tears. This final might take a few freshman today..
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
Randomize
