I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
If it looks like I didn't change from last night, it's because I didn't.
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
Code 10 We gotta leave. Now. I took a dump in the upstairs toilet and its clogged and overflowing, and believe me I don't want to have to explain myself to this frat on parents weekend.
I wish I was there to have sex with you on the plane to lessen your anxiety.
That's the nicest thing anyone has over said to you.
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
Plus my dignity needs a night alone with me.... Oh that's right. I lost it last night
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
Randomize
