at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
Is there some kind of disinfectant spray people use? Why would anyone want to eat ass??
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
Like... Chilling at home with a movie, hang out? Or have sexual intercourse in the backseat if his car, hang out?
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
Went to the lab to print and realized the guy next to me was the one we stole all the beer from last night..... Oops
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
This morning we had sex while he was wearing a full length fur jacket and sunglasses... I wasn't even phased
The shrooms were awesome. Everyone's bones in their face looked so beautiful! Everyone had great face structures.
where are you?
two trains and a bus walk of shame. so not worth it.
Randomize
