I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
He just posted pic of sad weiner and half a butt cheek. That is it. I HATE online dating.
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
Careful when you walk in I'm laying by the door.
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
He asked if I wanted a dutch rudder. 1.) Who says that? 2.) How exactly does one do that with a girl?
She looks like if Peter Griffin was a lesbian.
Run away.
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
Would you like to partake in getting high as fuck with your best friend and then proceeding to cry over the shit head guys we deal with?
Maybe I'm nitpicking, but that looked more like how one would jerk off an elephant than it did playing air guitar.
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
I have finally found someone I enjoy for reasons that do not necessarily include his dick
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
Randomize
