then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
My warmest regards to the fish in that koi pond I puked in.
She started acting like she was actually a deaf person...so I went along with it and acted like her interpreter. I don't think anyone bought it.
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
I've already reverted to sweat pants. And lonely drinking.
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.
She was two things I dont understand: tall and Christian
he couldn't get a boner so he asked me to sing you shook me all night long to his penis. I think it was weirder that it actually worked
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
I'm seriously considering selling my books back early. I don't use them anyways and I could really use the beer money..
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
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