The girl here has a popped collar. Can I slap her?
Yes. For all mankind please do.
Have you ever noticed every guy named Shaant has scene hair and date girls with racoons stripes in theirs
His name should be shouldn't
THAT'LL be a good time.
and i don't know why my phone always capitalizes that word.
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
I can only take thier stupid "I think beauty school is for me" routine so long until I have to bitch slap them with some knowledge
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
I could definitely fill a shot glass w my cum
please don't
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
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