I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
Not gonna happen. She just told me she puts glitter over the mole on her nose to make it look like a piercing.
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
The bald eagles cry cause u drink canadian beer.
Well, let's see..I held him while he cried for 30-40 minutes, woke up on his couch AND he gave me a ride home in his underwear. Shit show is not even the half of it.
That's why you bone lesbian cage fighters and 45 year olds. To make life less boring.
Why is my vagina being sacrificed for yours? I'm sure he would take a piece of you too. Your turn.
DONT TALK SHIT ABOUT LUNCHABLES
Also, it was so cold in that bathroom that I saw my crap steaming, a first in my life
GETTING HORNY AT RANDOM IS REALLY FUCKING INCONSIDERATE.
Wanna bang and Pregame work? I know you're the manager just promise to not fire me
Nana added me on facebook...i think i'll have to call her and warn her about my lifestyle before i confirm her as a friend.
I wish I got tanner on friday but I feel like I spent most of my time puking in the bathroom. I love my life
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