I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
Just threw up off a chairlift. my life is now complete.
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
Sorority life is like alcoholic girl scouts, plus douchebags in polos.
It's like a party bus, but there's a glass, airtight wall separating the driver from the passengers, and once everyone's on, they pump vaporized THC into the cabin.
Just threw up. It looks like I may have swallowed a cigarette.
She screams like she's just fallen out of a helicopter when she cums.
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
SOME BITCH AT THE HOSTEL STOLE MY NUT BUTTER THERE WILL BE BLOOD
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
How was the tequila? Are you making bad decisions yet?
Randomize
