dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
just found glitter in my belly button...seriously when will this nightmare end
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
He asked me out while I'm back in town. I have to acknowledge and honor his persistence.
Your vagina must be laced with cocaine...
The cops knocked on our door just to ask us if we were really having a no-pants party.
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
Well, practice makes perfect. Let's start playing Eye of the Tiger and do a blowjob training montage.
THEY HAVE VIAGRA FLAVORED GELATO
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
It was a great idea until we got stuck in a ditch. We had to call redneck cousin 1
So when I walked out, everyone was chanting ONE OF US, someone draped a lei over my head, and then she grabbed my ass and dragged me back into the bedroom. I'd say it was a pretty good night to lose my virginity.
I'm facebook/twitter stalking the guy I just slept with as he's passed out next to me. What a time to be alive...