I realized today that I should stop thinking so much with my vagina instead of my brain.
Please tell me this doesn't mean another "surprise road trip" where I spend all my money on gas and the SURPRISE destination is the abortion clinic.
But what if I pay for the gas?
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
hey, when you wake up, search yourself on youtube
my sister already found it, were watching it right now. i give it 2 thumbs up.
he made a bald eagle out of coke lines
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
Lets go hit some boners bro!
I appreciate the acceptance and inclusion, but that's not how we gay men talk.
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
Thanks again for the coffee and orgasms
hooked up with him and then had a conversation with his ex about how we hate people who hook up with our exs...
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