I think I am morally bankrupt
I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
two gay guys came in and bought just a kite and a box of wine. Why cant I have saturday nights that awesome
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
Is it wrong that the only reason I'd want Savannah in my wedding party is to watch her whore around and drink?
Fuck you, if it wasn't for us going to the city, she would be using me as a human sex toy all day.
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
Ugh im hungover from last night, and to top it all off, I think someone jacked my laptop.
umm ya, so we found it in the oven wrapped in a pillow case this morning
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
On the way to have sex with my ex's roommate... I have hit a new low
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
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