I have big tits. Rules don't apply to me.
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
There comes a time in every girls life when she must use her boobs for good instead of evil.
Your pregnant arnt you
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
It's not prostitution until you're out of college. Right now it's just strategic boning.
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
THC water in my coffee on the way to work. How's your Tuesday?
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
My vagina feels like it's been kissed by angels.
You can laugh all you want but 99 grapes is a lot stronger than what you were drinking.
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
This guy knew what he was doing. Most guys can't find the spot even if it shot off a flare and played a kazoo.
Cat needed to get out last night. Walking to the door was too much effort so I encouraged (pushed) him to leave via window.
Isn't your room on the second floor?
Randomize
