girl you didnt miss much. except me passing out for 3 hours AT JOBBIE NOONER on some random's boat. i was topless, then completely naked. heard girls were throwing ice cubes at me. i was useless. remember nothing.
just took batteries out of my vibrator to play wii guitar hero. think i am gonna regret that move later tonight.
I drunk wandered into my parents bed and slept between them
How do I tactfully ask if the neighbors downstairs can hear me beating it?
Great. I get laid, Leslie Nielsen dies. I can't have have sex anymore, the film community can't take another loss like this.
All I did was present the dick. You did the work. That's like thanking the pencil for a test you got an A on.
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
You left wolverine marks
I'm somewhere between sorry and proud
Half way through sex he whispered in my ear, " your the second best I've ever had" then proceeded to tell me to sit on his face.
Apparently, acid is a good substitute for cash if you don't have any! Who knew?
This is not my bathroom and these are not my pants
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
As he put it in he shouted "geronimo!"
Wow... So was the sex good?
Yeah but it doesn't matter. My vagina is not a pool.
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
Randomize
