do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
God gave him joint rollers for hands
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
I feel like the other woman.
You ARE the other woman.
after the shots you kept on yelling "this is for the dreamers"
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
She was trying to drink out of the beer bong and she thought it didn't work. Little did she know there was no beer in there. Then she got mad at us. Girls.
thanks for piggy backing me around for the rest of the night when I got too drunk to stand.
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
Pooping to opera.
She was drunk running in the middle of the street when a cop saw her,picked her up and dropped her off at her house. This really doesn't surprise me.
Randomize
