I sat on his lap and we shared a beer. I feel like that's an invitation to his dick.
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
there are teeth marks in the soap. why are there teeth marks in the soap.
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
Is he gonna be my crazy ex? Cause we weren't even together for as long as my weeklong bicurious lesbian relationship.
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
So please don't worry, but I need some help getting blood out of my drywall so I can get my security deposit back. I would not ask if the need was not great.
Oh no. Did you guys fuck on my pull out couch?
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
I banged a marine last night. No wonder everybody respects them.
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
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