So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
i will see naked twins by the end of the night. that's all i know
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
I like to keep a steady black out going for the holidays. I feel it makes me less cynical
The weed is temporarily burning the grammar section of my brain library.
she's an english major so her sexts are something i look forward to
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
I vaguely remember a drunken mid sex pinky promise to not let it get weird.
Yeeah, I think a threesome is one of those wedding presents you can't register for at Bed Bath And Beyond..
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
Randomize
