Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
I'm glad girls dont get visible erections
But, it would have made life so much easier...
i think i recognize dicks better than faces
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
What's the point of having 3 fuck buddies when their periods all seem to sync up
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
Second wind. Either that or my heart is about to explode. I'm hoping the first one.
He told me he deactivated his facebook because his girlfriend caught him wackin it to my profile picture.
10 points to you
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
got into a verbal altercation with Luke Harangoty last night over a table. Called him a cross-eyed fuck and got the table.
I wanna fuck that hideous moustache right off your face. get the confetti ready for the festivities
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
Randomize
