Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
I am full of burrito and curiosity
i just made a "things you cannot forget to do this week just because you're high" list.
herpes texted me again. he says he wants my vagina.
ok we should really consider changing this guys nickname...
you got me arrested i just think that goes without question you owe me a blowjob
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
He showed up at my house, drunk, proclaiming that he needed to fuck me...my dad let him in
I sang "A Whole New World" while I took his virginity
That is awesome that you did that.
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
We get up to three toppings. Dignity is not one of them.
Randomize
