Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
Just found a note from Saturday that says "rainy soft hair".... Any ideas?
If we can only get laid once in a blue moon, apparently this will be our month.
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
I mean, that's eating your cake and fucking it too.
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
but I'm still not sure how you became more and more fluent in Spanish the drunker you got
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
It is 5:00PM and I'm just now putting on underwear.
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
Damn victory sex feels great
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
Randomize
