There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
Quoting wale wont save you from herpes
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
you can now officially say a girl has shaved your initials into her pubes. welcome to the club.
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
Want to get drunk and look at an xray of my dick?
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
Lets just say...I plan on being a bigger shitshow than Miley Cyrus at the VMA'S
Can't find my wig, my underwear, or my dignity. Halloween 2016
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
he's 22 and listens to dad music. if i hear one more modest mouse song i'll never blow him again
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
So um... You probably shouldn't post that picture of me and your crotch just because that's a new level of raunchiness that I'm not willing to accept yet
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