You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
The Ukrainian kid just told me that our econ professor wants to bone me. Please tell me that phrase means something different in Eastern Europe.
That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
That one dude should feel honored if he were to get herpes from you. Fuck that Guy. He is a herpe.
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
STOP WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING AND GO OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW. THE MOON LOOKS LIKE CATWOMAN
don't act like you've never hung your towel on your dick after getting out of the shower
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
well it was naive of you to actually think you're the only bday sex he had lined up for him today. I'm just suprised he actually had a line forming outside of his room
is it fun? or sober?
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
Randomize
