Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
sexting on a treadmill. speed 9.0 beat that slut!
u were so high that u chewed on candle wax for an hour
I slept face down in the dirt because I wanted to go camping?
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
Basically she credited me and my dick pic for boosting the moral of all the Safeway workers
Pretty sure my boner drove me home. Like it didn't just do the steering it was the gas and brake too..
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
I CALLED IT A FRIENDSHIP. NOT A I WANT YOUR MAN PARTS IN MY LADY PARTS-SHIP.
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
The last time I went out with these guys I won an iced tea maker from a drag queen.
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
Dude. I just got a visual of u climbing over a bathroom stall to save my life.
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