I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
I just pynch a tree in the face
my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
my dad told me i had to spend my money wisely..so i spent the money he gave me for a desk chair on weed. ill be so high i wont even notice its gone
Judging that there's a photo of me getting head while sitting on a graveyard tombstone.....not good.
well if I unknowingly shoved my hand up someones ass, I'm glad it was yours
andd if someone unknowingly shoved their hand up my ass without me knowing, im glad it was you
I don't know bro, all I could remember is that he kept saying hallelujah and calling that girl Slutimus Prime
I just got carded by a ten year old.
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
We need a hype man... Like a DMX type dude to just up the ante constantly...
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
Randomize
