did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.
Hey did where's my bong?
In the tree out back .... Top branch on the right
Should I bother to ask?
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
I can't remember where my feet are. All I can see are colors, and all I can feel is terror. The lollipop was a bad idea.
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
The fact that it neither of us came up with the reason of "it's morally and ethically wrong" speaks volumes about this relationship
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
He showed me his scar from his appendix surgery. It was educational and fun....
Cheese, the small of a woman's back, the universe, mountains, vampiric demons, sleep, and dreams.
Just come home. We will have sex and Taco Bell. I'm feeling wild, I put on temporary tattoos.
Randomize
