i feel like a thai whore the morning after the navy left.
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
he just kept going up to random asian girls and yelling at them for breaking up the beatles
you jizzed all over me and yelled "makeover"
As long as you don't die I'm in full support of your drinking decisions
We started snorting MDMA at 3 in the afternoon...it was never going to end well.
His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
i told him i should keep a toothbrush at his house for after all the times i threw up there. he said yes but i wasnt getting a key to the apt
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
HE'S BRINGING FRIED MAC AND CHEESE BITES. I GET FRIED MAC AND CHEESE AND SEX PEOPLE. BEST WEDNESDAY EVER.
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
VOOOODKA VOOODKA WE PLEDGE OUR LOVE TO THEEEE VODKAAAA VODKAAAA SAVIOR OF LIBERTYYYY
I fit in backpacks. BOOM HERE I AM! Like a stripper from a cake.
Randomize
