I'm sorry that you don't think that "Daddy Issues" are a real thing, but I can tell you that some assholes who never went to their daughter's dance recitals are responsible for getting me laid...continuously.
taking shots each time the weatherman says Dont go out in this blizzard
I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
It was like riding a jackhammer on a train during an earthquake. THAT amazing.
Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
You are like a vicious sex animal persistently seeking prey
Totally forgot we howled at the full moon last night... It's safe to say Tuesday Boozeday is my new favorite day of the week
Matt and I's climactic adventure has ended with Matt being hauled off to jail. And now his brother and I are having lunch and a beer.
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
My legacy here is being that tiny blonde girl that threw someone down and shouted "Fuck your face, I'm Dee Dee Ramone."
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
Dude why is my bed and bedding wrapped in bubble wrap?
Cuz u wanted to insure u had a safe sleep
Randomize
