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ok, stay where you are, be there soon
I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
just had sex in his gielfriend's bed, and puked all over it. i need to get out of here.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
I got mine. It's a truly beautiful penis. Plus he pulled his tongue muscle on my vagina.
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
Oh and an honorable mention for your father's porn collection. Things I'll never forget.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I woke up naked with a $20 bill taped to my titty, so I must of had fun.
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
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