I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
The last thing I remember before blacking out was telling Jamie that she was too fat even for my standards. The first thing I remember after blacking out was waking up next to her.
About six hours after the bottle of smirnoff, I was googling "losing your stomach lining" and calling my mom for help. She has experience.
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
What has two arms, one testicle and no credit card debt? This guy.
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
Even though he was watching you pee on his bedroom floor, you kept denying it and saying he was dreaming
The doctor that gave me my std test is trying to hook me up with her daughter lol
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
I'd just like to inform you. That when I was at bvj the first day I was blackout drunk by noon. Get on past Chelsea's level like now. Do it for present Chelsea
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