would you kill someone to have someone deliver pancakes to you when you were high?
It makes me feel uncomfortable and unsafe when he licks my pants
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
Playing hide and seek with all those cheeseburgers... Not our finest moment.
I just threw up trying to put pants on. This is obviously a sign to stay naked.
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
unfortunetly they frown upon drunk on duty paramedics
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
I don't think ill be here long the chick I came to see is blowing rails with a drag queen
Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
just in the smoking shack with my sister cheering on a caterpillar make its cocoon
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
Randomize
