You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
I sang again at the bar lastnight I don't think alanis morrset knew when she wrote you outta know that the drunk version was going to be go fuck yourself Josh and Chelsea. I love $2 wells.
Idk we were snorting lines and making out in the stall while these people were cheering us on, on the other side. And that's when I realized he wasn't the only guy in the girls bathroom.
It would be like a dance party with a dick inside you. I think that's what Ke$ha wants for the world.
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
how am i in montreal? thats like a 3 hour train ride. i remember nothing.
i'm at work, alone, drinking a spiced chai & fireball hot toddy. holiday OT isn't that bad after all.
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