im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
Well, for starters, she called the condom a "dick mask."
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
We turned on "find my friends" and watched her progress. Got concerned when she didn't move for an hour on Adelaide, turned out a booty call was made, then she went back to the bars.
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
mom had to come pick me up from the hotel. I crawled to her car. She told me the entire way home if I puked in it I was going to lick it up. Like high school all over again...
how do you always get into these "we banged the same dude now lets be friends" situations???
Your trash is full of condoms and yoohoos what a great life we live
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
He's not put together enough to have that big of a dick
Yeah, he fractured his ass by doing a canon ball into the bath tub....
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