Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
I kissed a girl and did not like it. Now I hate Katy Perry even more.
yeah, and then after the convo was clearly over, my dad decides to scream "SIZE MATTERS" just to make things even more uncomfortable.
I just can't bring boyfriends home.
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
I just ASL-ed someone for the first time since 2002.
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
If i'm forever fucked up in this state of mind then I'm going to kill him for this
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
I'm not talking about Donald Trump in the midst of sending you nudes
Randomize
