When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
I had to do a class evaluation today & the girl beside me didn't fill in any bubbles she just wrote in huge letters RETIRE across the whole sheet
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
We need a fire pit. Meat. And a keg.I mean like a cow we just carve from. And cook it. We can use the milk from the udder to make White Russians
Well after the shots I danced with a homeless guy, split my toe on broken glass, and had a 20 piece mcnugget. Who says postgrad life is boring.
In order to save time, dignity and liver damage, wanna get naked?
I feel like my vagina was just in a fistfight.
I buy a new bowl every time I get a new guy. It's retail therapy.
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
Randomize
