I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
He had to carry me to the car. But then sat with me and waited for me to sober up enough to have sex. He's a keeper.
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
i am going to show so many millionaires my nipple
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
Me and him getting it in is for special occasions only. Like Christmas and when they bring the McRib back.
My week is over as of 8pm tonight, and I'm herpes free...Let's rage
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
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