I submitted an essay to my history teacher comparing changes in the middle ages to the song changes by David Bowie. I can't wait to see my grade on that.
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
She's in the middle of blacking out but is singing Mariah carey songs. Hitting every note.
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
I'm such a fucking super-fan. I was worried his cum would wash away his autograph.
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
But there's never enough margarita money.
This is going to be one of those situations where we lose a day, isn't it
I'm about to have a threesome at the hotel where I had my quinceañera. Becoming a woman under this roof for the second time, whaaat
Dude respond to my evite. You're either coming to the orgy or not.
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
you were making out with a girl because you told her you were part of Nsync
I texted her mom a picture of us doing it saying "I'm trying to make your daughter just like you!" she was not amused.
Randomize
