Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
i am YELPING strip clubs. This is interesting.
Turns out getting tied up to two door handles and forced to repeatedly cum is actually a really good ab workout.
And then as he was trying to conceal his boner from everybody, you said aloud "just grab your cock and get out of the pool"
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
After the Jell-o shots and about 6 shots of lighter fluid brand tequila, it got to the point where breathing was painful. All I could do was pray I didn't fall asleep in the front yard.
you know i have almost 1500 fb friends but not ONE drunk booty call?
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
no we just smoked too much weed and listened to the tarzan soundtrack. phil collins is amazing
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
Randomize
